FanFiction: I'm Not Fooling Around
by AlphaEN
Summary: Satire on the process of writing SVM fanfiction, including lemons.


Artwork: Pirate Ship Book Alteration by wetcanvas

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**FanFiction: I'm Not Fooling Around!**

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Whenever I sit down to write a fanfic – any fanfic, be that DTRT or a one-shot – I wear many hats, and by that I don't mean putting myself in Eric's or Sookie's shoes.

Far from it.

Meet the ladies:

Gutterhead ;) She's always there, but when she's uninspired, she's such a bitch!

Moralizer :I Hate her guts.

Smartass :D Thinks she's better than the rest.

The LogiQueen (no such emoticon exists) Objective, helpful, sometimes irritating. Prefers EPOV, saying she and the Viking vampire are kindred souls.

Pessimista :( Nothing is good enough for her.

Optimista :) Believes in your (reader's) generosity and keeps re-reading your reviews like an addict. Team Eric and Sookie. I love her.

And finally, me – humble, tiny (literally, I'm size 2 petite) AlphaEN. Sagittarius. Opinionated. Impressionable. Emotional. Zzzzzzzzz…..

This is the full cast. When we get together to start creating, it's a disaster. I'll get to the process of writing lemons in a bit, but let me tell you how it happens in the beginning…

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**Me **(reviewing the outline and deciding whose POV is to open the chapter): _okay… _[typing _EPOV_]

**The LogiQueen**: _Wait, you can't! Not yet! You've got to reread the previous chapter and pull out the list of loose ends you have saved in like dozen directories on your computer! What if you miss something important?_

**Optimista**: _Oh, come on! The woman wrote over 400K words worth fanfiction! She remembers! And if she happens to mess up, her readers will e-mail her. They're such sweethearts. _

**Moralizer**: _Never start a story or a chapter without knowing exactly what you're going to achieve with it. Set a goal. Think it through and only then write._

**Optimista**: _Tell them, Ally! Tell'em you've got it all covered, and Eric's gonna kick ass and Sookie's gonna save someone…_

**Alpha** (getting dizzy): _Huh?_

**Pessimista**: _And there goes the greatest fanfic author of all times. _

**Smartass**: _Very eloquent, Alpha. Now look up synonyms for 'huh' in the online thesaurus. _

**Gutterhead**: _While at it, look up 'erection' and…_

**Pessimista, Optimista, Smartass, Moralizer** (in unison): _Shut up!_

**Alpha **(gulps down hot coffee without noticing it's actually scalding): _Okay, okay, quiet everyone. We'll start with Sookie's point of view, then switch to Eric's and add an original character for fun. _

**The LogiQueen**:_ All in favor raise your eyebrows. Hmm, Eric does it better… Unanimous! Now erase that smirk off Alpha's face and let her write._

_.  
_

Hours (days) later…

**The LogiQueen**: _Alpha, you're half-way into the chapter, and you already have "finally" six times. When will you _finally_ let go of that adverb?_

**Alpha **(sleep-deprived)_: Get off my back, bitch. And watch that sarcastic tone of yours. I don't have neither time nor coffee to revise what's already written for the hundredth time! I'll edit later when the chapter is completed._

**Moralizer**: _Never put off for tomorrow what can be done today._

**Optimista**: _Maybe, you could just skip a few "finally"? Not a big deal._

**Pessimista** (whining): _Of course, it's a big deal! The entire point of adequately showing the true depth of these amazing characters is to use as many adjectives and adverbs as possible! Especially, "finally"!_

**Smartass**: _Everything with you is special. You're such a drama queen._

**Pessimista **(sticking Alpha's tongue out): _I'm not. I'm reasonable._

**The LogiQueen**: _You're depressingly emotional. Plus, you're a perfectionist. If we let you have it your way, poor Alpha will be re-writing the same chapter for a month!_

**Moralizer** (thinking of something to say, finding nothing but): _Alpha, you can put your tongue away now. _

**Alpha**: _Let's make a deal. Once I finish SPOV, I'll do a thorough edit. I swear on Eric's fangs not to repeat "finally" more than three times._

**Pessimista**_: Four!_

**Optimista**_: Two!_

**The LogiQueen**_: What about EPOV? What if you absolutely need to have Eric say "Finally, it is done_" _or something?_

**Moralizer**: _That is a moot point. Wait until the entire chapter is finished. Blahh… Already hating this word._

**Pessimista**: _Alpha, keep it realistic, body parts reasonably proportional, and make sure you don't write Sookie stomping her foot, giggling without a good enough reason, rolling her eyes, or shrugging all the time, and Eric pouting, grinning, smirking, winking, waggling his eyebrows constantly, leering at Sookie suggestively, lusting after her, grunting, groaning, nodding, shouting "YOU'RE MINE!", his eyes darkening or blackening with desire…_

**Optimista**: _She knows the drill. Standard not-to-use-in-fanfiction-more-than-once words and expressions_.

**Alpha** (extremely annoyed): _Those can be very good in the right place at the right time and in moderation, I KNOW! And I reserve the right to use lick, kiss, suck, tongue, fingers, fingertips, stroke, thrust, hips, mouth, lips, smooth skin, and penis…_

**Gutterhead**: _Oh, my… finally…_

**Smartass**: _What are you guys three or something? We've done this dozens of times before!_

**Alpha**: _I'll finish the chapter, let it sit for a day, and then we'll give it final two reads. End of discussion._

**Gutterhead **(paying no attention to anyone): _I want a lemon. A nice, long, detailed lemon. Mmm, mmm, mmm. And I want to use nasty verbs. Alpha, you can repeat fu…_

**The LogiQueen**:_ No can do. It's SPOV, and she's a lady._

**Gutterhead**: _I don't care. I'm horny._

**Alpha** (sternly): _Everyone, aloud – what's the main rule of our writing?_

**The ladies** (in chorus): _No PWP…_

**Alpha**: _What's that? I can't hear ya!_

**The ladies** (louder): _No Porn Without Plot!_

**Alpha**: _Got it, Gutterhead? No lemons in this chapter._

**The LogiQueen**: _I disagree. We need a solid sex scene. We haven't had a good one in a while, and it has to be SPOV, too. Can't give them all to Eric. For example, let's say something happens to her and she nearly dies. She comes back and an urge to reaffirm she's alive makes her…_

**Gutterhead**:_ …horny._

**Pessimista**: _Well, I don't feel like it._

**Smartass** (grumbling): _Tell us something new._

**Alpha**:_ What will make you feel like it? This is going to be a very important scene. We all must do our best and not let Eric and Sookie down._

**Moralizer**: _Our readers expect us to deliver. We may not fail them, although the bar is set very high._

**Gutterhead**: _pst… I know this site, there's a very nice drawing of Eric as Mr. January, but you have to be at least 18 to see the full version…_

**Optimista **(with a squeal of excitement): _Oh, really?_

**Moralizer**: _Visual will ruin it for me._

**Alpha **(tired): _It's not about dirty pictures. It's about the spirit of the scene. It will be very explicit, but it's got to have a point beyond sexing. _

**The LogiQueen**: _Yes, like celebrating life_.

**Moralizer** (opening the browser and searching): _Great idea. Epic music is what you need._

**Pessimista**_: And a slab of dark chocolate with sea salt._

**Optimista**: _Hey, get away from the fridge! Don't you see what sitting in front of the computer for hours on end does to Alpha's ass?_

**Alpha **(growls): _I hear you, you know that? My ass is none of your concern!_

**The LogiQueen**:_ Your mood is. When you can't fit into those skinny jeans of yours, we all suffer._

**Alpha**: _I'm not asking for a fashion advice._

**Pessimista**: _You should. There's shocking lack of fashion and designer stuff in your latest fanfiction. Aren't you going to write more about clothes Sookie wears and what kind of boots Eric likes? Leather, black, heavy…_

**Smartass **(snorting):_ A-ha, and what kind of toothpaste she uses and what color boxers Eric puts on every night._

**The LogiQueen**: _Is any of that relevant at all? We covered most of it in the first installment where it made sense at the time._

**Alpha:** _I'll write about the clothes if it matters. If Eric's gonna tear up Sookie's dress in shreds in this scene, I really don't care what kind of dress it is. It's garbage, and I don't spend time writing garbage. Now, shut it and let me listen to this music._

[visit the blog to listen to the music via youtube]

Days later…

**Alpha **(excited): _Okay, let's look at some artwork for the chapter._

**Smartass**: _What, you don't trust the power of your writing and need to throw in some visual clues?_

**The LogiQueen**_: These are not visual clues, you smartass! They are intended to convey the underlying message and Alpha's mood. Each sequence of artwork in every chapter has its own meaning._

**Pessimista:** _The black background of the blog makes it hard to read. Why don't you change it?_

**Optimista**: _Don't change anything. Black goes so well with the overall theme! Vampires… _

**Moralizer**: _Vampires don't exist._

**Smartass, Pessimista, Optimista, Gutterhead** (in unison): _Party pooper!_

**Alpha**: _And I thought I should be nice to you and include this music as a soundtrack. _

**Pessimista**: _Ignore her, Alpha._

**Gutterhead**:_ Hey, let's read the chapter again before Alpha posts it._

**Optimista**: _You just want to read the sex part._

**Gutterhead**: _Don't you?_

**Alpha**:_ Okay, everyone! Attention – this is the last time we're reading this._

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_

An hour later…

**Alpha** (clicks Publish button and the notifications of the new post are e-mailed): _That's it._

The ladies are quiet.

**Optimista:** _Now what?_

**Alpha:**_ Now, we wait…_

_.  
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**A/N** I'd like to thank Merick, Char, Jacsqueeze and Xia for our little tweet-chat the other day, which in part inspired this post. It was funny and a little naughty.

_Yours truly,_

_AlphaEN and the full cast_


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